Lemony Snippets
Dear Keith,
Recently my partner has been obsessed with me licking his arsehole and balls which i am a bit uncomfortable with, I mean I aint shy i'll shove my tongue most places but I just dont think I can go for the arse. Everytime I'm licking his balls he just pushes my head down there, what can i do? He even licked my arse hole to show me how easy it is and I was disgusted - I mean I let him go down there and he shoves his tongue in that! Then he tries to kiss me. Am I just being a prude? I know you will be able to help.
Tongue Tied, London
Dear Tongue Tied,
Shake his hand. Tell him you like him, you respect him, admire him even. But do not lick a mans arse. Shit comes out of there, it's wrong! Saying that, I would lick Terri Hatcher's arse, but that's different. Lasses don't shit. So tell yer boyfriend to eat shit! His own shit! All't best!
Dear Keith,
I seem to have a problem with errrm, well with weed, i don't feel normal unless i smoke it, don't think i can hack the real world, but really want to quit, but then again, i'm not a quitter, what do you suggest i do? plz help, peace out dude
DT, Stockport
Dear DT,
Hey mate drugs are bad. Didn't yer see what happened to Zammo in Grange Hill. Just say no! Just say NO! Stop smoking that rubbish and to help yer just wank twice a day. Focus all yer attention on yer wank, there's nothing more natural and it's good for yer! Yer can hack the real world! It's easy. I bet elephant man never smoked weed and look at the state of that poor bastard! He got on with life and forgot that he had a massive head and enjoyed himself. So do the right fing kid, do the right fing. Otherwise if yer do nowt but smoke weed you could end up a stinking tramp on't street begging and that's the pitts man.
Dear Keith,
I am writing this letter on behave of my brother. He is a producer of a will known chat show featuring Avid Merrion, since the show has increased in popularity he has become quite a stud with the female species. The main problem is that when he gets frisky with the ladies they just laugh at his privates! The reason being is that he has an ear where his C*ck should be and visa versa!!! Please can you help!!
Elmo, Sesame Street
Dear Elmo,
First of all I must say how very sorry I am for your brother. Cos I can't even imagine how horrible it most be to piss out of your ear. I get infections in me lug holes at best of times. What he needs to do is go to a plastic surgeonery and have it changed. I'm sure they'll be able to do it cos have you seen that program 'Extreme make-over'. That make right rough mingers, and I mean mingers, into bang tidy lasses. Good look. I'm not a fricking perve but please send in a picture of your brother. I'd like to have a look at his cock ear. Yer know just for science reasons like.
Dear Keith,
I am 76 years young and enjoying a fulfilling and occasionally surprising affair with my chiropodist Ms Blatterhouse. Despite my advanced years I can sustain a fully functioning erection for up to three hours depending on the needs of my partner. My problem is not during sex. I'm not the man I used to be Keith, and at the point of climax I often break wind and increasingly follow through for a shit. As you can imagine, it was funny at first but the laundry bills are getting a little high. Can you give me any advice.
Nervously Clenched, Stoke-on-Trent
Dear Nervously Clenched,
Right, this is nowt to be worried about. You'd be fucking surprised how many of us have drawn mud on the sheets after a skinful and a kebab. I were reet pissed up wi' a lass a couple of years back and backfired just when I were about t'spit the fat. Luckily we were in her house so I telt her I was off to wipe me arse and climbed out the bathroom winda. You shouldn't be at it at your age anyway mate. Dirty ald bastard.
Dear Keith,
My bird won't give me a blow job. I really like her, but if she won't suck me off I might have to dump her. What should I do?
Fully Engorged, The Wirral
Dear Fully Engorged,
Now then mate, don't dump just cos she won't suck yer knob. Here's what yer do. Go to ,New Look, and buy her a right nice dress, it's cheep there so yer won't have to spend much. Take the dress home and say I've got you a gift can yer give me one. Tell her yer love her even if yer don't, then dip yer knob in a yogurt and tell her to lick it off. But here's the magic trick, make sure the yogurt is a diet yogurt and she'll think yer right thoughtful. She'll suck it right off mate. All't best!
Dear Keith,
I'm gay but I haven't told my parents yet. My dad jokes about homosexuals all the time so I'm not quite sure how to tell them. I don't want to upset them but I think it's about time I come clean and tell them. What should I do?
Burning with Shame, Cranleigh
Dear Burning with Shame,
Me brother is a puff and when he told are dad, me dad went bonkers and battered him. Me dad's not as liberal as me and finds gays hard to comprehend. What I'd do if I was you is don't tell yer mum or dad. Well yer can tell yer mum cos if she hits yer, yer can hit her back. Unless yer mums right hard. No what I'd do is move to London cos there's loads of puffs and yer'll fit right in. That's not why I moved down her by the way. I moved down here for business. I'm not a fricking puff.
